My session with Kolanblanc
Posted By DominaErzulie on April 16, 2009
I am finally going to answer your question; When I said that “the punishment” I was giving to you was for your own good, I meant every word after talking to you by email and when I was at a point where I knew I was pushing you father than you’ve been pushed, I felt that you needed to know that what I was doing, was not just a game, that I was doing it in order to make you “feel alive”, to help you endure the pain and achieve some kind of relief.
I’m glad I did not kill the fantasy for you and to be honest I would have been surprised if I did. You say you do not think you can take anymore than you did…I think you do not give yourself enough credit. I stop because for “that day” it was enough, I stop because I felt I needed to put ” the drumming on your buttocks” aside and let you feel the stings of the whips and I stop because I felt at that point you needed more comfort than anything else.
People who are close to me know that I’m terrible liar. I never cared for lies; I guess that’s why I love being a dominatrix. I get to tell it like it is and it’s alright 
. I guess what I am trying to say is that you’re not the only one who got relief from our session. I was proud of both of us that day.
About the author
DominaErzulie
I am a black professional Domina from Montreal. Domination is a passion, so whatever activities I do, you can be sure that it is only because I enjoy it! There's little chance that I fit the profile of a ''typical dominatrix'' because I don't have an austere or severe look and I always have a big smile on my face during a session... However don't let that fool you. I'm a true sadist and I'm only that happy because...well inflicting pain gets my juices flowing... Feel free to interpret that any way you like! ;)Comments
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Hello Mistress,
Thanks so much for taking the time to share your thoughts and feelings about our session. You always seem to have some surprises for me.
Your comment about making me “feel alive” was extremely insightful. It’s dead-on accurate. Of course, I wasn’t thinking that while you were beating me but that feeling must be very close to being the essence of what myself, or anyone else who puts himself or herself in the same situation, is hoping to experience.
Ceding total control to someone else is a relief in the sense you no longer bear any responsibility for yourself or your behavior. You send the censors to hell. Your burden is lighter. But that act doesn’t automatically make you feel alive. It was the unrelenting pain you administered that stopped me from thinking, and that seems to be what is required to feel alive, at least for people like me.
I have always had great trouble feeling alive, especially in the moments when we’re supposed to feel alive, like love-making. It has happened, but not very often. It has happened while playing music but I frequently don’t trust myself enough to give myself up to it. I felt alive when my first daughter was delivered before my eyes. But mostly I’ve felt alive while drinking (once again: censors? what censors?).
I think “feeling alive” can also be synonymous with “feeling connected”, be it to someone or to this world. It is certainly possible with love-making, the ideal mutual orgasm. In my imagination, even the spanking fantasies, which have become my sexuality, bear the potential for that feeling: at the same moment the pain extinguishes all thought I ejaculate. But, as I’ve mentioned, that has yet to happen.
What our last session taught me, though, was that a great sense of connection is still possible without orgasm in the D/s context. You and I, we took a little trip together. At least, that’s what I felt when I left the dungeon. I felt exhausted but things seemed somehow as they should be. And now, in your email, you have confirmed this, particularly by stating that you also derived relief from the session.
I was also very interested to read that you were not playing a role when you said “for you own good”. I’m very glad you explained the context for that because in retrospect that demonstrates that you were truly exercising total control. You weren’t just exercising control over the severity of the spanking (that’s not really the right word for it, is it?…I guess I just like saying it
) but of my psychological being.
You handled that session with wonderful skill, physical and psychological. You could have “destroyed” me if you hadn’t had such understanding of what you were doing. And now that I’ve read your experience of the session, I feel a strong desire to give myself up to you again. I’ve felt I can trust you since our very first session, but that trust has now expanded greatly.
I never got around to writing a post-session posting for your blog. The reason was not laziness. It was simply that I didn’t know for sure what had transpired. Your reply today is enlightening. I also didn’t know what I should look for now in terms of allowing the fantasy to evolve. Well, Erzulie, the thought that occurs to me now is that it is you, not I, who will guide the evolution of my fantasy. You definitely took me somewhere three weeks ago. And you’ve just used those words to invite me to allow you to take me somewhere else. The wounds have healed and I am ready.
The invitation was immediately enticing, although I then heard myself protesting, “Fine, fine, but I want my ass paddled because that is the closest I get to feeling I’m being made love to, if only the heat of my ass would travel just a few inches and fill my penis with blood I’d be so happy.”
But no. While the above paragraph is the image that fills all my spanking fantasies, our last session proved to me there is a bigger experience possible, and, as I said above, your response has filled me with a very real desire to put myself in your hands again, no questions asked. I am most curisous about those “other forms of corporal punishment”.
When I read that you felt proud of me, I felt like a young boy for some reason, getting high praise from a teacher or a mother; I don’t know for sure, but someone “above me”. I value that praise. When you said you were proud of yourself, too, that intensified my feeling about the session. It was a factor I had never considered. It’s value for me is that it means you were as involved personally in the session as I was. I think that is so cool. And as I said earlier, you should feel proud. I sometimes think a dominatrix walks a tightrope during a session, particularly a session as intense as the kind we had. You got us both to the other side.
Once again, Mistress, thank you so much,
Kolan